Learning to Drive

Ahh the car. The object that gives a young man, freedom, independence, the cool factor, the opportunity to say "I've got a car" without lying. A place to make out because if her father finds out, you're a walking corpse.

So with all the posturing a gloating over, 'I can drive' etc etc, all of your social popularity hinges on one thing....

Can I borrow the car mum?
(The bold cool beast of a man is transformed into a sniveling groveling teen) pleeeeease.

Being the master diplomat/negotiator/jedi mind master that I am *cough* my mother without reservation handed me (without a care in the world) the gleaming jewels, the car keys. Cue an angelic "Ahhhhh"

And off I tear! Making the 1.5L non-supercharged, non-turboed, non-bored out, stock standard, couldn't pull lingerie off a porn star engine whinny like a wild unleashed stallion. Well...at least until I was out of line of sight from the kitchen window.

Growing up in the country, country roads were...awesome. Long, windy, and no traffic. This allowed one to test how quickly you could get to the end of it. My record was "Hells Bells" by AC/DC, by the time the song was finished I was at my mates place at the end of the road. Now when I visit home and drive leisurely along the road I'm dumbfounded at how totally insane I was to go that fast. In order to reach such speeds I would cut the corner. This meant dumping the left wheels into the grass. Over a period of time sizable ruts began to form, which could then really rip you around a corner with flying off into the bank on the other side of the road. (Unfortunately this very thing happened to a friend....sucker!)

Another thing about driving on country roads at night is the scary nocturnal wildlife of NZ. Rabbits and possums...and wild cats. Since we have already established that I was not exactly going the speed limit, if a rabbit et.al. was on the road it was officially breakfast for a hawk tomorrow morning.

As I was a pioneer driver my first 5 expeditions resulted in a fatality EVERY SINGLE TIME. While the first time I was, YEAH, second, WHOO-HOO, third, GOTCHA, forth, Again? fifth, oh man *sigh*. I believed I really was cursed. But then no more deaths and life proceeded as usual. Until one fateful day.

While blasting home listening to 'Highway to Hell' (again AC/DC) blaring on the stock standard, no 12" sub, no 3x9 speakers and no tweeters I rounded corner after corner and bend after bend with such smooth grace and style, perfect lines even Colin McRae would have nodded in approval. I rounded the last bend, tyres screeching and there, caught in my headlights, staring back at me with deer eyes was a cute bunny rabbit.

With the instinct of a natural predator I attacked! Hands gripping the steering wheel tighter, foot firmly planted to the base of the car, the car roaring into greater speeds became my weapon of choice to dispatch the evil foul beast that is the 'bunny rabbit'.

Of course what kind of suicidal rabbit is actually going to sit in the middle of the road and watch an over-sexed (and frustrated) teenage boy mow it down. Well, not this rabbit and off it bolted to the side of the road.

Of course the predator does not allow it's prey to so easily escape, the bullet car follows after the rabbit for about 0.25 seconds. Which was about 0.25 seconds too long. "Ohhhh shiiiitttttttt" now my foot is firmly on the brake and turning the wheels the other way. Now I slide to the side of the road and keep drifting sideways, off the road, into the grass and finally....into the goddamn fence. *cruunch* and stop.

Meanwhile school children huddled around a campfire are listening to a scary story from their camp leader. At a pause in his story they hear a faint yell pierce the otherwise still and quite night.
"FFFFFUUUUUUuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk"

Yeah, I was all, @#$@# @#$@# @##@$@# @#$#$@$. Oh man, how am I going to hide this! The passenger door was dented and the side mirror was hanging on by...no it was off, retrieved and currently and looking at me from the passengers seat.

Well, I can't hide this, I'm just going to have to tell my mum the truth. And that's just what I did.




Really? You believe that? C'mon! I went home and promptly marched up to my mothers room. "Hey mum"
"Yes dear"
"I had a bit of an accident in the car" cue mothers rolling eyes and the wind coming out of her lungs in a great sigh.
"What happened"

We have cats. Summer in NZ is nice, but when the sun goes down, so does the temperature. And the road absorbs the heat from the day, so it's not unusual to see your cats sleeping on the side of the road after the sun has gone down.

"Well I came around a corner and our cat was sleep right in the middle of it, so I had to swerve to miss her, and I ended up going off the road and hit the fence a little bit"
"Oh" was my mothers, surprised yet relieved reply. "How bad is the damage"
"Just a bit of a dent in the door and the side mirror got knocked off"
"Ok, not so bad then"

And that was it! And now that I've posted this, my mother will/might read it and some young school children around a camp fire will hear the silent peaceful night air pierced with "KAAAAANNNNNNNEEEEEE YOUUUUU LITTTTLEEEEE BAASSSTTTTTTeeeerrrrrdddddd"